When every little thing makes you cry

My grandmother was a gardener. It was from her, in the moist earth in the yard where I learned to ride my bike and learned to climb trees, that I was taught the ways of flowers. I was taught what I could cut back almost to the ground, and what needed to go to ground on its own. It was there that lessons on planting and watering were taught over and over. It was there that I sat for hours and watched the plants, convinced that if I concentrated hard enough I could actually see them growing.

Turns out I could concentrate on plants more than I could concentrate on anything else till I got a camera in my hands.

Even then, it have a lot of pictures of plants, and I always will.

Just the act of rescuing my garden tools from a flooded storage container on the back porch made me cry the other day. It was a simple thing to plunge my hands in the so very cold water, pull out the tools and gloves and pots and ruined bags of potting soil and seeds, and spread everything out to dry (or stuff it in a garbage bag).  Simple though it was, the act of rescuing tools that she taught me to use made me cry.

Grief is a difficult thing. We get so used to something, to someone, to some time that when it's gone you really are lost. I haven't felt a loss like this before and it has struck me to the core. I'm still lost in it, 6 months later. I know I'll always carry a piece of it with me.

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I'd love to say I sat down and wrote all my posts straight through. Some aren't that easy to get out and this one has taken time. I wasn't sure if I should write this, if I should take you on the journey I'm on through grief and sorrow. But I'm glad I have been, and I hope you understand how much closer this journey has brought me to my deities.

Even the act of sitting at the foot of the Goddess and listening has been harder lately than it has been in a long time. My mind wanders so much right now, my heart is not calm and still, my focus is worse than a toddler in a toy store. So the path of my practice has brought me back to the beginning so I can work on my focus, on my intent, on calming my heart and clearing my mind and really listening. The Goddesses and Gods have so much to say to us in these sorts of times, often when we're too lost to listen. I'm working on listening more, to gain the wisdom they're willing to teach me.

So my goal right now is to listen - to slow down, calm down, and listen.

Blessings