It's that kind of Wednesday. You know what I'm talking about... that Wednesday when you know if you go outside for lunch it's going to be a 30 min conversation with yourself about going back inside to work. That Wednesday that reminds you of all the things you could be doing... like sleeping in a forest glen or reading beside a flower strewn meadow or, well, ANYTHING other than sitting in a stuffy office pretending to care about your job.
Yeah. *That* kind of Wednesday.
So let's talk about desire. The air is warm, the Sun is warmer, the flowers are blooming *everywhere* and we are swept up in the glory of Spring... so, desire.
Gather round boys and girls, while Auntie Aaradyn tells you a story about getting *exactly* what you asked for and why that isn't always the best thing ever.
A while back (seriously - years ago) I held a rite and asked for what I thought I really, really wanted. And I got it. And it was awesome for all of 3 seconds. Then it was good. Then it was ok. Then it blew up in my face and went down like the Hindenburg. Out of those ashes came a lot of tears, the repair of relationships, and a much stronger person with better painting skills.
Could all that have happened without the earth shattering kaboom? Yeah, probably. But it didn't, and now I have a story out of it.
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It started with me, my altar, a really great song, and an idea that I knew what I really wanted. I called the circle, lit the candles, pressed play on my iPod and started reciting the text. I had the feeling that to call to me what I thought I needed, I needed to throw a little sexual energy at the situation. So I did. Being solitary is a wonderful thing sometimes.
I can tell you, honestly, that it was one of the best rites I've ever performed. I felt the presence of the Stag as I haven't before, and haven't since, and I am glad that I had that experience. That's not to say that I haven't felt His presence since then at all, I have and it's been wonderful, but nothing like that night.
I asked for a relationship that would blaze inside me, that would light up my life, that would burn bright and strong. And I got it not all that long afterward, in a form I never considered but accepted none the less. I got exactly what I asked for - the relationship started fast, went even faster and didn't stop till we were all on fire and running to the corners of the earth to be away from each other. We collapsed, separate and smoldering in different states entirely, and haven't spoke since.
It was a bonfire that consumed me. It wasn't pretty.
It left me stranded in a foreign place with no aid in sight. So I did what you have to do in that situation - I made the most of it. I scrimped and saved and with no small amount of luck I managed to survive. I painted, I read, I embroidered and I meditated on what I did to get into that situation and how to not do that again.
It worked. I haven't done that again. (I've screwed up in other ways, to be sure - but never like that again.)
I got lucky, and I'll tell you why - I was penitent and forgave myself. I didn't blame anyone for where I was or what happened to me - I did it to myself. I didn't blame the Gods either - again, I did it to myself. I asked for it, I got it and, it turns out, I didn't want it. But, too late - I was stuck.
The story of getting unstuck was me finding a job, a very tiny apartment, a tight budget, and desire to change my fate.
Desire can go a long way when you have drive. And being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no friends or family close?? That's some hella good drive.
It's a long story about my getting out of that, but the short version is this: I did. I did, and I did it with some help and some favor and some grace. I did it and I am very, very thankful. Where I am now is a paradise compared to where I was, and I never forget how lucky I am. I never forget the past and I don't dwell on it - I remember, and I build on that, and I move forward.
So, long story short - be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
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